Who knew parenting was so tricky?
This year, for Father’s Day, I was asked by children’s dental hygiene brand Brush-Baby to write some pieces about the experience of being a dad. I jumped at the chance to talk about fatherhood – writing 4 ‘Dear Diary…’ columns that were published by the brand in the run up to the big day.
If you’d like to read what I wrote, head over to the main Brush-Baby site.
Dear Diary 1, Dear Diary 2, Dear Diary 3 & Dear Diary 4.
And, before anyone asks, no that isn’t me in the photos.
I remember being genuinely worried. It seemed a real issue.
You see, while my playground peers reveled in the wondrous innovations the new-fangled mobile phone technology promised, I was seriously concerned about the impact these devices would have upon my favourite superheroes.
Yes, I was that kind of kid.
I loved superheroes before it was fashionable. In fact, I loved superheroes long before such a love was so common it had become distinctly unfashionable.
Superheroes were my life. I was convinced, utterly certain, that when I grew up I was going to be a Batman, Superman or Spiderman. There was no doubt about it. Tragically, this belief wasn’t the product of my 4 year old mind. Oh no, well into secondary school I was still harbouring the expectation that life in a cape and cowl would be my destiny.
Back to the mobile phones. It occurred to my adolescent brain that if these pocket filling devices became common place, we wouldn’t need phone boxes anymore? And, if telephonic booths stopped populating out high streets, where the heck would superheroes change? Where would they find a quiet nook to slip into the spandex if the phone boxes had gone the way of the dodo?
I was some way into adulthood before the penny finally dropped. The life of daring-do I’d seen depicted in comic book panels and flickering upon the silver screen wasn’t going to be mine.
The likelihood of my coming to someone’s rescue was low. VERY LOW. If so-called ‘heroic’ actions were to take place in my life, they wouldn’t constitute of me swinging in and biffing the baddies on the bonce. Far from it. The acts of heroism I was likely to fulfill would revolve around solving tricking Windows-based issues with my superhuman knowledge of the F-key functions. Impressive eh?
“Struggling to go full screen are you sir? Have no fear. Stand back while I press F11! Oh no, don’t thank me. Thank the tireless minds down in Silicon Valley!”
In time, I acquiesced to the ‘unrealistic’ nature of the super-heroics I’d become obsessed with. This concession became closely tied to my ‘growing-up’. As I put the comics away a little magic disappeared in my world, seemingly forever.
I’m now a father. A role which, if I’m honest, I hadn’t imagined myself into during those formative years. Swinging from skyscrapers in spandex seemed a much more likely scenario than scraping sick from soggy strollers.
Yet, recently, I’ve come to realization that Dads can proudly hold their own against the supers of this world.
More than that…
I hesitate to utter it, but I will.
Wait. I have proof.
There are hundreds of things that make dads better than superheroes. Being ‘super’ in the eyes of your children is an honour every dad strives to live up to.
When I ‘grew out’ of superheroes. I gave up some of the magic in my life. I’d thought the transition to being adult, ‘sensible’ and staid was permanent. Yet, I’m glad to say, as a father I’ve seen the alchemy return.
Keeping the magic of youth alive in our children is the most exciting, enthralling and ultimately heroic quest of all!
Isn’t that super?
“Once upon a time they all lived happily ever after.”
Wait a minute. That’s not right!
Let’s try that again.
“Once Upon a Time there was a beautiful princess”… “And they all lived happily ever after.”
Woah! What about the middle of the story? Shall we try again (again)?
“Once Upon a Time there was a beautiful princess”… “RRP £4.99 or $7.99 (CAN).”
Sound familiar?
Storytime is one of those parts of parenting that’s always portrayed through the rosiest of rose-tinted glasses. A moment for you to bond with your young’un via the enriching medium of the story book.
What could be better than that?
Well, let’s be honest, often a lot of things are.
Why?
For a start, the baby has no idea what a ‘story’ is, nor are they aware of the convention that you read all of the pages in order. So you read the first page only to have the book wrestled from your hands and closed to reveal the back cover.
It’s all most frustrating!
It would be very easy for this (often pre-bedtime) ritual to turn into something hugely stressful for the poor parent saddled with reading yet another pass at some mind-numbing tale.
Don’t let that happen to you!
Here’s my ‘Guide to Surviving Story-time’…
1: Don’t Expect a Story
No matter how good the book you choose to share with your little one is, the likelihood is they won’t be focusing on the salient points of the narrative.
Often the babe in question is far more interested in the sound the book’s spine makes when they force it to bend the wrong way than anything the author has plotted. Essentially any time spent reading with a baby should be viewed like watching an episode of The Only Way Is Essex – nothing sensible, clever or barely coherent is going to happen. All you’ll get is incoherent babbling and the overriding wish for the experience to be over (very) quickly.
2: Drop any ‘O.C.D.’ tendencies
If you’re the type of person that is a little ‘precious’ about their things – you know, plastic covers on the sofas and dry cleaning your tea towels – you’ll need to put that aside when reading to a baby.
The process is harrowing – not least to the book in question. You might buy a lovely ‘lift the flap’ book – something beautifully rendered that you need to take out a small mortgage to purchase – yet the baby will have no respect for it, whatsoever. Flaps will be savagely ripped from the pages without ceremony, pages will be chewed up, vomit stains will mask the most beautiful drawings.
Essentially, if you’re going to read it to a child, you have to begin with the mindset that the book is already ruined. Let it go! It’ll be much easier that way. Seriously, if you’d like a kids’ book to stay in pristine condition, never introduce it to a child!
3: Protect your hands
OK – it’s not ‘up there’ with childbirth, but the pain of getting the loose skin on your fingers trapped between the card pages of picture book is not to be sniffed at.
Babies have a unique ability to slam a book closed when you’re at your most vulnerable. Expect paper cuts, bruises and damaged fingers. It’s a tough game – this parenting lark!
If you can, always wear heavy-duty gloves while reading to your child – although this may result in ‘funny looks’ if you do it in public.
4: Choose somewhere comfortable
As soon as the baby is remotely mobile, the child in question will make your experience of reading to them as uncomfortable as possible. They’ll swiftly turn you into a human climbing frame as you valiantly try to act out the story of Snow White or whatever. Expect to be kicked, scratched, stood on, prodded and even bitten as you attempt to complete your newfound narrator role.
Believe me, it will be hell, so it pays to sit somewhere comfortable.
5: Pick the ‘right’ book
It cannot to be understated how important it is to think before choosing a book for your child.
Why?
Simply put, this book may turn into ‘The Book’ the one they insist upon being read to them at any given opportunity. So before you take it up to the book shop counter, ask yourself – ‘would I be happy reading this book out loud 500 times?’ It sounds extreme but it might happen!
Make sure your book isn’t the text equivalent of Jedward – all very amusing when you first see it, but likely to make you want to end it all when it appears for the 1000th time.
6: Get ready for Deja Vu
Even if you pick your child’s books wisely, you still need to be ready for a very heavy sense of Deja vu.
It’s inevitable.
Even the most engaging of reads is likely to sound like bad karaoke after a prolonged period on the bedside table pile. Add into this mix a child’s inevitable desire to hear their ‘favourite’ bits over (and over and over) again and you’ll be in need of sedation by the end of storytime!
Don’t worry, this is completely normal.
7: Voices are tricky
Remember that if you start doing ‘voices’ when reading to your child, you’re setting a very tricky precedent to maintain. Yes, your young ‘un may love the ‘hilarious’ tones of the giraffe that you perform at their bedside, but ask yourself would you be happy to do that same performance on a busy train?
Your child will expect a pitch-perfect read through of their favourite story whenever and where-ever you’re called upon to do it. What seemed like a good idea at first may leave you feeling a bit of a dodo when you’re reading out loud while waiting for the delayed flight to Malaga.
8: Don’t be afraid to ‘lose’ books
Sometimes you just won’t be able to take it any more. You’ll have read all about Fox’s lost socks just one time too many. In these cases you need to put yourself first.
You won’t be the first parent to lose a book ‘accidentally on purpose’. It’s quite an easy trick to pull off – if you make sure you dispose of the evidence quickly. Don’t put lost books into any inside bins – your child may discover them there. Go for the wheelie bin or even think about donating it to a charity shop (assuming it’s not been punished too much by your little angel).
Don’t be afraid to lose new books that have been misguidedly bought for the child by friends and family. Put yourself first. If it’s a painful read then an instant re-gift is the answer. Consider giving it to the child of someone you don’t like (that’s probably what happened to you).
9: Books with sounds: Avoid them like the plague
The amazing noise of a cannon being fired is great the first time you’re reading that fascinating book on pirates. It isn’t, however, quite so pleasing when you’ve heard it repeatedly triggered by the little monster in the backseat of the car for over an hour.
Any book (or toy) with sound effects is bad news. Period. It’s as simple as that. Remember noisy books are like Vampires – you have to let them into your home for their malign work to be done.
Just don’t do it!
I hope this guide to surviving story-time will help you through this potential minefield.
Good Luck! You’ll need it…
The life of a social media Guru, like me, isn’t as easy as it may sometimes seem.
OK, to the untrained eye, it may appear that all we need do is put up a post about, oh, I don’t know… ‘Baked Beans’ every now and then, and our followers will lap it up maintaining our status as internet superstars.
If only that were true.
It takes a little more than access to a few hot Instagram filters and sick buzzwords (that the young people love) to be an international social media sensation.
Here’s my foolproof guide to being a smash-hit on Facechat, Snapbook and the like…
1* Be REAL. Followers love ‘Reality’, especially when it doesn’t look like real life. Drop into all of your posts some references to how ‘real’ you are.
If you can fake being real, you’re onto a winner.
2* Don’t be TOO REAL. Whatever REAL thing you’re doing, dial it back a bit. Reality is like Coldplay, a little is OK sometimes, but it’s easy to drift into too much and suddenly you find yourself rocking in a corner waiting for it all to stop.
3* Be FAMOUS. If you possibly can, try to be famous. This will really help you on social media. If it’s possible to be a Kardashian, that’s a real advantage. Why not try to act a little more like a Kardashian? A good way to start is looking unimpressed at everything and using the vocabulary of a four-year-old.
4* Act FAMOUS. Try to Tweet about how hard life is for you, now that you’re famous, even if you’re not. Wear dark glasses whenever you can and stick your bum out at photographers*.
* Note, not advisable when having your passport photo / mugshot taken.
5* Get into HACKS. Hacks are the lifeblood of the social media star. Any way of making life easier is a great bit of info to pass onto your followers. But make your hacks aspirational. If you’re going to give out a hack about getting the last bit of ketchup from a bottle, use Waitrose sauce, not Tesco value.
Remember, you’re living the dream.
6* LIVE THE DREAM. Make your life look at least 30% better than it actually is. Perhaps get a more photogenic friend to stand in for an ugly family member in any snaps you take? Tell your followers that you work for the UN, rather than Pound-stretcher. Remember, even if make up a few untruths about hanging out with Kofi Annan – keep it real. Maybe blog that you were accidentally wearing last season’s lip shade – TOTES AWKS!
7* Get into CRAFTS. Ruining a perfectly decent pair of trainers with a hot glue gun and a selection of shiny objects will really endear you to your followers. Try to ruin at least one item this way every week. Followers need a regular inoculation of crafts to remind them that they hate that type of thing – you’ll get loads of ReTweets for pictures of any crafty tat like that.
8* Are you FAMOUS yet? Have you actually been trying to get famous? Perhaps write a blog where you pretend to know famous people – Elton John suggested I do this and it worked really well for me.
9* Give ADVICE. A sure way of increasing your standing in the online community is giving advice to others – especially in areas where you’re completely unqualified. Perhaps write a list or ‘method’ to becoming a social media star?
10* Quick hints to achieving social media success:
a) Be beautiful. Talk about it – but be real.
b) Be ugly. Talk about it – don’t be too real.
c) Have a bad hair day – make sure it looks like everyone else’s good hair day.
d) Women perfect your ‘no makeup’ look – make sure this includes lots of makeup.
e) Dads create laugh-free sub-Jackass videos showing how you’re ‘winning’ at parenting. Make your tired wife the butt of the joke.
f) Drop unsubtle product placement into your blogs. Make it aspirational – like a guide to potty training in association with Habitat or John Lewis bridal.
g) Get a pet*. Make sure it’s photogenic. Or a really ugly pet. Get a sad backstory – make one up. *Not a good idea.
h) Become intolerant. Gluten is a good start, but there are other many options! Why not blog about being intolerant to pies? Make sure they’re aspirational pies though!
***
That was my guide to winning on social media. I’m sure it’s changed your life.
If it hasn’t, why not blog about it?
I’m one of those strange people… yes, yes, I’m probably strange in many ways, but what I’m referring to is speaking in public.
I actually enjoy it.
I know many people would rather do lengths in a shark-infested pool or break it to Jeremy Clarkson that the kitchen is out of ribeye, rather than talk in front of a crowd. Thankfully, I’m not one of them.
So I was pleased when the amazing folks at Vilo Sky asked me to take part in a webinar discussing life as a stay-at-home-dad (or SAHD). The event is online on June 17th (2021) and can be registered for here.
I should be a fun evening of me pulling no punches in discussing what it’s REALLY like to be a man in a world that was until recently the sole preserve of women.
The Out of Depth Dad 