Looking back, it seems really obvious now.
I don’t know why I didn’t see it before.
What am I talking about?
Well, like many people, I’d been following the recent events in The White House with some (considerable) concern:
- The temper tantrums.
- Cheeseburgers in bed.
- The hugely, like, juvenile language.
- The immature boasting.
- The prank handshakes, showing just how strong (manly and in control) the president really is.
- The desire to start WW3 for fun…
The list goes on…
I was trying to figure out what on Earth was actually going on in DC. Then it struck me.
IT’S SO OBVIOUS!
The only logical conclusion that any sane (and stable) person could possibly come to, when faced with this behaviour, is the president isn’t really the president at all.
Don’t you see? Clearly the president is actually a 12-year-old boy, who wished to be ‘a grown-up’ using the Zoltar Fortune Teller Machine – previously seen in the hit 1988 Tom Hank’s movie ‘BIG’.
Think about it, this is the only solution that makes any sense.
It’s not the president’s fault. He’s merely an innocent child thrown into a role (for which he has no skills, aptitude or ability) by an evil fairground attraction. It’s a tale as old as time.
It’s so sad.
So, so, sad. It’s the saddest thing. You’ve never seen anything sadder. No wonder he’s in such a covfefe.
I pondered the whole situation a little longer – pondering is one of the things us, like, really smart people do.
Then it struck me. This news surely means that we, as parents, have a very real responsibility on our shoulders. As anyone who’s seen the film knows, the Zoltar Fortune Teller Machine can disappear (and appear) anywhere – which means all of our kids are potentially at risk of suddenly magically becoming the president.
If this is true – and the evidence adds up – we all have a duty to prepare our young for the presidential role – in case it should happen to them. So, we must work together to teach the following lessons to our kids. If we all get involved, maybe we can prevent situations like those we’ve recently seen in The White House from happening again. Maybe.
THINGS ALL KIDS NEED TO KNOW, IN CASE THEY SUDDENLY BECOME PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES – VIA THE ZOLTAR FORTUNE TELLER MACHINE:
- Not all building work is good. We can teach this lesson to the young through their LEGO sets. The lesson must be that constructing cars, trains and hospitals etc. is all fine. Be sure to guide your child away from building LEGO walls – or (for that matter) towers or casinos. Such behaviour can cause unpleasant precedents (or presidents).
- Use make-up sparingly. Kids need to know that, in the right hands, make-up can be a lovely thing. There’s no doubt about that. But just because you have a large tub of foundation, you don’t need to wear it all at once. Less is more in the make-up world – unless you want to sing witty ditties as you escort naughty children in disgrace from a chocolate factory.
- Don’t exaggerate. It’s important that all children understand that ‘Hyperbole’ is not a Spanish bowling alley. It’s very easy to spot someone who’s boasting and can’t back it up. A tendency to exaggerate is not a character trait anyone really likes – I’ve asked literally, like, thousands of people and they all agree with me on this.
- Being smart is tough. Our young need to know that convincing other people that you’re smart is not an easy thing to do – it’s a subject they’ll tend to make their own minds up about. Remember, real geniuses rarely refer to themselves in that way. Stephen Hawking has never been spotted out and about wearing an: “I’m with stupid” T-shirt.
- Hair Apparent. We must teach our kids that just because you can create a hairstyle in Play Doh – it doesn’t mean you should have it in real life. It’s as simple as that.
- You can’t “fire” someone before you “hire” them. This is more a matter of semantics than anything else – if someone is not yet your employee, you can’t ‘fire’ them (as they don’t actually work for you). You can only ‘fire’ things you have direct control over… like big red buttons.
- Saying something doesn’t make it true. See above.
Passing on these tips is essential – do it now, as (who knows) tomorrow your 9 year old may be the leader of the free world!
Good luck everyone!
NB: For those who don’t believe my theory – check out the rumours that a giant piano keyboard is currently being installed at Camp David. Need I say more?
The Out Of Depth Dad